Jasmine Hart

Hi, This is very original and I really enjoyed it. "Hello Mr.Helium" is great. I'd cut either 'burning' or 'blue' as they make the line too long. Personally I'd cut ...

Hi, This is really beautiful. It flows really nicely and I love your imagery. I especially enjoyed the last seven lines. I think I'd cut "small, innocent, naive", because I ...

Hi, This has a nice rhythm to it and the last line is effective. I think you're being restricted by your rhyme scheme and it's forcing you to twist your ...

Hi, I love the speaker's tone here. Your imagery is great. I especially enjoyed; "You're locked outside your own mansion I'm waving from inside the window Bite your lip harder ...

Hi, This is a really lovely piece. I love the idea behind it. I especially enjoyed; "My own story locked away within an iron chest sitting in the bottom of ...

Hi, I really enjoyed this. You have a great sense of the sound of the piece and I love how it progresses from beginning to end. I'd change "worlds unknown" ...

Hi, This is lovely. I think "during the day" is too long so I'd try to shorten it. I was going to say "every", but you've already used it, so ...

Hi, Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. I really love the first stanza, especially the last sentence. I think the second stanza was too vague. I'd also ...

Hi, This made my eyes well up. I'm so sad for you. I love how you start it off as a letter, and move into the controlled rhyme section and ...

Hi, I love the speaker's voice here. The tone is great. I especially loved "You elusive boy-man" and "Live up to your stupid tattoo." The second stanza was a little ...

Hi, Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. This flows nicely and I really like; "Then a signal By a raucous flash; and presto! The white blue Acts ...

Hi, Welcome to Yws and congratulations on your first poem! Your imagery is lovely, especially the first and last stanzas. I'd cut more obscure lines like "burning with despair" and ...

Hi, I really love the mix of long and short lines. It gives the piece a real energy. The rhyme and rhythm of the piece as a whole is really ...

Hi, I think the character is interesting. I don't think that the structure does you any favours here. It forces you to twist your syntax, for example; "a face so ...

Hi, I like the couplet structure here, it works really nicely. This is very internal so I'd try to turn it outwards. For example, it focuses a lot on what ...